02/17/2024
This has really changed the way I think about setting boundaries, particularly with my kids. A request asks them to do something (which might be beyond their skill set or emotional capacity at the moment), while a boundary tells them what *I* am going to do.
Boundaries shift me back into that position of sturdy leadership (hey-o Dr. Becky!) whereas a request leaves my kids in the driver's seat on whether or not they'll comply. I like Hailey's idea of starting with a request and then moving to a boundary if needed!
For example, my kiddo was on his tablet and it was time to go play. I said, "screen time is over - can you please turn it off?" He was too engrossed and couldn't disengage from it on his own, so I had to move to the next step.
I could either a) repeat the "request" again till I got *real* annoyed - "turn that off now! I already told you screen time was done!" or b) set a boundary - "okay bud, you're having a hard time turning that off, so I'm going to come get it and put it away for you."
What I love about this is that it assumes benevolence (one of my favorite skills for healthy relationships). I'm not assuming that he's ignoring me or being intentionally defiant; I think, "wow, he's really into that game and doesn't want to stop playing. That makes sense, but I know too much screentime isn't good for him, so I'm going to help him make that transition."
Try this out today - instead of asking your kids to do something again, shift into telling them how you're going to help them follow through. It takes some practice, but I find it to be much more effective!
Do you ever feel like your boundaries just aren’t working—and no matter how many times you set them, the people in your life aren’t listening? If so, watch out: you might be making requests or giving ultimatums instead of setting boundaries. Here’s the difference. If your boundaries aren....
Licensed therapist serving Virginia residents, specializing in postpartum mental health, early motherhood, and highly sensitive people.
