11/04/2021
❤💜💙💚💛💓
Anorexia is more than just a disorder...unlike any other mental illness, the trigger must be faced head on in the cruellest of ways at least three times a day and the substance involved can never be ‘avoided’ as with alcohol or drugs (all are devastatingly hard of course). Without food we cannot live and yet for those deep in the throes of anorexia, food is the poison which we must drink every day. And that is exactly how it feels. Deadly.
Those who ‘have come through’ anorexia, may liken it to leaving a very toxic relationship. An abusive love affair. The disorder is your lifeline, your best friend, your soulmate. The very thought of removing that from your life sends a whirling cyclone of terror and panic through our bodies. We know it is killing us but we do not see a world without it and we dread the loss of the control we know took a very long time to build.
So, if you want to help, do not mention the food. It is not about that. It is about the control. The routine, the pattern, the coping mechanisms we have come to rely on heavily. We have found a way to keep our anxiety and fears at bay and it works, as long as we do not have to rock that boat. A single mouthful of food not on the list can do just that. A sufferer of anorexia may believe that the whole world wants to steal away their special love and so protects it fiercely. It becomes us against them.
For me, the only way to extricate myself after many many years was to treat it as a loss, a terrible grief. With each day I existed without the control I felt like I was killing a loved one. It was truly awful, truly terrifying and I don’t use those words lightly.
Once I had dealt with the projected loss of my lifeline (this took weeks of very painful days, much like a cold turkey period), the food began to sort itself out, very very slowly.
It is a long journey and the effects never really leave but it’s possible to see it all from the outside in and not to exist as a prisoner in the epicentre.
That’s the difference between life and death.
(I am here for any parent worrying or anyone suffering. If I can help, it would be my pleasure.)
Donna Ashworth
Author (https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08LRGWY74/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_fabt1_OYLVFbX4YR91V0
Uk BEAT helpline below (if you live elsewhere and you know of anything similar, please let me know so I can add it)
US helpline: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline
