16/10/2026
I knew who I was drawn to in high school. I didn't have clear language for it - but I knew.
In a small town, that kind of knowing isn't something you look at directly. You file it somewhere quiet and keep going. So that's what I did.
I was falling apart in other ways.
By 16 I was struggling enough that I ran away to Melbourne. I'm not entirely sure what I was running toward. I just knew I couldn't stay where I was.
Somewhere in that, someone made me get help. And when they told me there was a medication that could help with what I was experiencing, something in me relaxed. Not because I thought it would fix everything - but because I was exhausted from carrying it alone. This felt like: there's something. You're not just white-knuckling this by yourself anymore.
I was sixteen. Terrified. And also relieved.
I didn't open up properly, even then. I was too shut down. Too ashamed. I'd show up to the appointments, say the minimum, and leave. There was a part of me that couldn't yet let anyone in.
But something had started. The beginning of knowing that the way I'd been living - carrying everything quietly, filing away the parts of myself I didn't know what to do with, pretending to be fine - wasn't going to be sustainable forever.
It would take a long time to actually learn that. But it started there.
More coming.