21/09/2026
I went back to Italy to support my dad as his health declined. He now needs help with things he once did for himself.
My mum and I shared his care. Working together changed our relationship and brought us closer. I was still her son, and we were also two adults cooperating in Dad’s care.
This is part of the systemic perspective I want to share: a change in one relationship can invite us to look at the others too. This experience was about my dad and me, and it was also about my mum and how we related to each other.
I’m back in Australia now, and I’m happy I could be there to care for him. Alongside that, distance can bring guilt: “Should I be there? Am I doing enough?” It can take energy away from our work, our rest and the people beside us.
From a Family Constellations perspective, I find it useful to separate the responsibilities we take on from our place in the relationship. I can help care for my father and still be his son. He remains an adult with his own history, wishes and dignity.
For some of us, the adult who organises care lives alongside a younger part still wanting to be seen, held or reassured. If there is old hurt, caring now does not require us to pretend the past was different.
We can ask: what care is needed today, and what am I still hoping to receive? We can also notice the familiar role we step into: the reliable one, the peacemaker, the person who never asks.
Then widen the picture. Who else is caring? What do they need? What can we share, and where do we need more support?
From far away, we can agree on one useful contribution, stay in touch with those caring day to day, and be clear about our limits. Our lives here need room too.
These are invitations to reflect, not rules for every family. Closeness cannot be forced, and respect can coexist with boundaries.
In this difficult season, sharing the care of my dad also brought my mum and me closer.
If you are caring for a parent, what would help you right now?
Daniel 🌀