11/10/2026
š MY BIRTHDAY MONTH. MY RECOVERY. MY REALITY.
As October is my birthday month and will be turning 55 on Tuesday, I've been reflecting on just how much my life has changed since 2019. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and in ways I couldn't have imagined back then.
I want to share something about my recovery from trauma. I moved through another layer and now the next one presented itself. Not the version where you wake up one day and suddenly everything makes sense.
The next layer.
In 2018/19, my body endured more than I could ever have imagined. 11 life-saving surgeries in a 3 week period while in my coma. I endured delusions, muscle atrophy, confusion, fear, numbness etc. I also stopped getting my period. One morning, while my doctors were doing their rounds, I asked whether it could be due to the medications I was taking, including ketamine. My doctor explained that the most likely reason was the trauma my body had endured and how undernourished I was.
ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦Silence. My mind had nothing to say. I was in shock. No, I'm not malnourished. I'm healthy! That was the delusion I was living in. Then it hit me. My body. Oh, my poor body.
I looked down at my torso in that hospital gown, and a massive wave of sadness and hurt washed over me. The guilt. I'm so sorry for what I've put you through. Those were the words I kept saying to my body, which was doing absolutely everything it could to keep me alive. And my goodness, she did an amazing job! While in my coma, my surgeon prepared my family to say goodbye. Twice. My body was shutting down
I'd never really stopped to appreciate just how dedicated my body was with fighting for my life. I began thinking about how every living organism is simply trying to survive. Even Candida, which many of us carry in our bodies without knowing it, is just an organism doing what it does. In my own way, I started to understand that my body had been fighting just as hard to keep me alive. It deserved compassion, not criticism.
Yep. Just because it burned my lungs when Iād breathe, or how Iād grimace in pain before every inhale, or my head felt like it weighed as much as a bowling ball and my mind was full of cotton, that wasn't going to stop me. I couldn't even lift the frying pan without fear of dropping it.
I'd just get up, get going and soldier on.
Never mind that I needed to live with Mum after being discharged because I couldn't stand on one leg without falling over. Never mind that I couldn't wash my own hair. Never mind that wide-open spaces frightened me and crowds could send me into a panic. And never mind that I couldn't remember what I'd done the day before.
Nope! I was going to get my old life back. The life where I had it together, loved my work and just got on with things.
I genuinely believed I could be back to normal in six months.
Trust me. I'd sort it out!
š THE DESPERATION TO GET BACK
The version where you develop tunnel vision and convince yourself that if you just try hard enough, you can pick up exactly where you left off. Because surely, nothing has changed⦠right?
It was about 2 weeks after discharge that I went to my workplace to say hello and meet with the prin as arranged. The welcome I received brought me to tears. Gosh I loved that place. I loved my work. And I wanted to be back where I belonged. The school year was coming to an end so no traffic jam of students running around. I spoke with the principle, and we set our sights on Term 2 of 2020 for my return.
Six months. That should do it! Except, did six months really just go by?
I returned to work in Term 2 of 2020, determined to pick up exactly where I'd left off. But I wasn't the same woman who had walked out of that workplace. I was battling pain, insomnia, brain fog, panic and exhaustion. I'd come home, take my shoes off, lie on the bed for a minute to waking up to the alarm, still wearing my work clothes. No dinner. Nothing. Get up, make myself presentable, grab Maccas and do it all again.
My inner voice kept telling me to toughen up, do better and stop complaining. I was terrified of letting everyone down, yet I was letting myself down every single day, but that didn't count.
And, youād have thought by now Iād realised that if being hard on yourself worked, it'd have worked by then. There's been no one harder on me, than myself (but my Mum comes a close runner-up)
I was also terrified of losing the job I loved. I was taking more sick days than I was entitled to. Failure wasnāt allowed. It just canāt. My Prin was incredibly supportive and genuinely wanted me to stay well, which somehow made it even harder to admit how much I was struggling.
I knew I wasn't managing, and deep down I knew I was failing, but I couldn't bring myself to say those words out loud. I kept hoping I could somehow push through and become the woman I'd been before. I donāt want me disrupting an amazing team supporting the students, because I reclaimed the role that was mine if/when I decided to return to work. They had a really good āseat warmerā, and I was welcomed so lovely from her too. I canāt fail! Iād be failing the students. Failing the school. Failing my colleagues. Failing my expectations. Failing their expectations. Failing me. Failing
As my contract was coming to an end, another opportunity opened up. A Principal at a Pā12 school contacted my Prin and asked whether they could lend me to them, and after some changes were made, it worked out. I agreed to work in Corryong until the position was permanently filled. So, when the role was filled, I was asked to stay until the end of the year. I accepted. Being wanted is another fear of mine. I fear failing their expectations of me
In 2023, I stepped into a very different role supporting at-risk students to stay connected to education from a community support role. I wanted to succeed, but I was struggling with unfamiliar systems and a lack of support. The insomnia returned, my whole body hurt, and I could feel myself heading towards a place I knew too well. The following Monday morning, I handed in my four weeks' notice. It wasn't because I didn't care. I'd reached the point where my body was telling me what my mind still didn't want to hear: I couldn't keep living like this.
My (ongoing) recovery has taught me something uncomfortable but important. I had to look at what I call my victim-mentality cloak - not to blame myself for what happened, but to recognise how fear was making decisions for me. Taking it off didn't mean pretending I wasn't traumatised or forcing myself to be strong every minute of the day. It meant learning to face what frightened me, accept support when I needed it, and understand that walking away can be just as courageous as staying and fighting. Run towards the danger. Warrior pose!
There was a time in 2023 that my surgeon needed to perform a gastroscopy. This caused a panic attack of course and I reached out to John, who was my mental health therapist. He was my anchor throughout the most traumatising experience ever. So, I reached out to him. Hearing his voice helped me manage the fear of going into theatre. I didn't have to prove I could do everything alone. That was a lesson in itself. The sound of his voice brought back a sense of safety for me. I canāt use particular deodorants or hair products due to the olfactory senses being the highest with linking memory and any product during hospital I canāt use today
Here's something I can share with you now. Some stories are for later, and some stories stay with me. I had a tiny red Tazzie Devil living in my bowels. Yep, you read that right! In my mind, this little monster was ready to charge if I moved the wrong way, wreak havoc inside me and cause a slow, painful death. I'd move ever so slightly, panic, then realise nothing had happened. āOh, he mustn't have seen me. Phew, that was close!ā It sounds ridiculous now, but the fear was very real.
As I move through my birthday month, I'm reflecting on the woman who fought so hard to get her old life back that she nearly lost herself in the process. I'm not sharing this because I've got everything figured out. I'm sharing it because surviving something doesn't mean you automatically know how to live afterwards.
Sometimes the bravest thing you can do isn't to push harder. It's to stop, listen to yourself and choose a different way forward.
MY GIFT TO YOU! š
October is my birthday month, and I'm opening up half-price initial Root-Cause Therapy (RCT) sessions for those ready to take a step towards healing. My usual $350 session is just $175 for those who book the appointment during the discovery call
Having walked my own challenging path through trauma and recovery, I understand how daunting it can feel to navigate a road you've never travelled before. You don't have to figure it all out alone.
I intentionally keep my client numbers low so I can give each person the time, care and positive engagement they deserve. My support doesn't end when your session does - I'm here to support you between appointments as you navigate your way forward.
If you're ready to explore what's holding you back, I'd love to hear from you.
This is just part of my story, and it's one of the reasons I care so deeply about the work I do. Because you deserve more than simply surviving. You deserve the chance to feel like you again. Jo š Safe To Feel Again
(a little fun with Chat for the picture)