Budapest Moms

31/07/2021

Ways children become people pleasers.

▪️Told to go give a hug/or kiss to another person, even if they are uncomfortable in order to make another person comfortable.

▪️Told to share their items even when they don’t feel comfortable in order to make the other person comfortable.

▪️ Told to stop crying, complaining &/or whining even when they feel uncomfortable so that everyone around them is comfortable.

▪️ Pressurized to finish all their food on their plate in order to make another happy, even if they are not hungry &/or don’t even like the food.

▪️ Pressured to dress a certain way in order to please everyone else, even if they don’t feel comfortable in what they are wearing.

▪️ Told to behave before entering public settings, putting more focus on everyone else’s comfort rather than how they feel.

▪️ Love is withdrawn from them when they say “no” so they fear saying “no” to anyone else out of fear of being unloved & not accepted.

▪️ Blamed for how they make others feel. They feel responsible to make everyone around them happy even if that means that they are unhappy.

▪️ Praised/rewarded when pleasing us and others, even if that means they are being self-destructive.

📣It’s not our child’s job to shrink themselves & make everyone around them comfortable. How they feel matters. ♥️



Sharing with love,
Lelia Schott.

[ online conscious parenting & positive discipline courses, coaching & counselling. Link in comments ]

31/07/2021

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Leanne Matton Psychology
Today I witnessed a father telling his little girl, who must've been all of 2, maybe 3 at the most, to 'stop crying'. She wasn't wailing or screaming, there were some tears and sniffles. She wanted a toy she'd just seen and she wasn't allowed to have it.
To a 3 year old, this is big stuff. Her feelings were appropriate. It was actually her father's job to teach her how to manage them, not stop her from having them.
Most adults can't stop having their big feelings just because someone tells them to, how then does a 3 year old do this?
I recently heard a 10 year old screaming in frustration and his parent screaming back at him to S**U. Not only is this not teaching a child how to manage their frustration appropriately, it's role modelling the direct opposite of what the child is being asked to do.
I know parents get overwhelmed and aren't always available emotionally to guide the discharge of overwhelming feelings because they themselves are overwhelmed. Children survive this just fine if it happens on occasion.
But when it becomes the norm to tell a little person to stop having their big feelings, it produces a generation of people who turn to addictions to numb the feelings they never learned to honour and express moderately. Instead they become afraid of their feelings because they've learned it's wrong to have them.
It also produces a generation of people who aren't able to understand the feelings of others because they can't even tolerate, let alone understand, their own.
What if we started honouring our feelings, and those of others. What if we taught our babies not to be afraid of their natural emotions, to express them appropriately and with respect. What if we stopped telling people they 'feel too much' or they're 'overreacting'.
Let's stop numbing out. Let's start an epidemic of empathy and acceptance. Let's stop leaving people alone with their pain.

31/07/2021

17/07/2021

💕
▪ ▪ ▪
Co-regulation doesn’t have involve hugging. Some kids won’t calm when held but doesn’t mean that you can’t co-regulate. Being close and calm will still impact your child’s nervous system and eventually calm too. When you label the feeling for your child rather than reacting to the behaviour, they feel heard and understood. When they are ready you can work it out together

29/06/2021

“I am 2. I am not terrible…I am frustrated. I am nervous, stressed out, overwhelmed, and confused. I need a hug.”

From the diary of a 2-year-old:

Today I woke up and wanted to get dressed by myself but was told “No, we don’t have time, let me do it.”

This made me sad.

I wanted to feed myself for breakfast but was told,
“No, you’re too messy, let me do it for you.”

This made me feel frustrated.

I wanted to walk to the car and get in on my own but was told, “No, we need to get going, we don’t have time. Let me do it.”

This made me cry.

I wanted to get out of the car on my own but was told “No, we don’t have time, let me do it.”

This made me want to run away.

Later I wanted to play with blocks but was told “no, not like that, like this…”

I decided I didn’t want to play with blocks anymore. I wanted to play with a doll that someone else had, so I took it. I was told “No, don’t do that! You have to share.”

I’m not sure what I did, but it made me sad. So I cried. I wanted a hug but was told “No, you’re fine, go play”.

I’m being told it’s time to pick up. I know this because someone keeps saying, “Go pick up your toys.”

I am not sure what to do, I am waiting for someone to show me.

“What are you doing? Why are you just standing there? Pick up your toys, now!”

I was not allowed to dress myself or move my own body to get to where I needed to go, but now I am being asked to pick things up.

I’m not sure what to do. Is someone supposed to show me how to do this? Where do I start? Where do these things go? I am hearing a lot of words but I do not understand what is being asked of me. I am scared and do not move.

I lay down on the floor and cry.

When it was time to eat I wanted to get my own food but was told “no, you’re too little. Let me do it.”

This made me feel small. I tried to eat the food in front of me but I did not put it there and someone keeps saying “Here, try this, eat this…” and putting things in my face.

I didn’t want to eat anymore. This made me want to throw things and cry.

I can’t get down from the table because no one will let me…because I’m too small and I can’t. They keep saying I have to take a bite. This makes me cry more. I’m hungry and frustrated and sad. I’m tired and I need someone to hold me. I do not feel safe or in control. This makes me scared. I cry even more.

I am 2. No one will let me dress myself, no one will let me move my own body where it needs to go, no one will let me attend to my own needs.

However, I am expected to know how to share, “listen”, or “wait a minute”. I am expected to know what to say and how to act or handle my emotions. I am expected to sit still or know that if I throw something it might break….But, I do NOT know these things.

I am not allowed to practice my skills of walking, pushing, pulling, zipping, buttoning, pouring, serving, climbing, running, throwing or doing things that I know I can do. Things that interest me and make me curious, these are the things I am NOT allowed to do.

I am 2. I am not terrible…I am frustrated. I am nervous, stressed out, overwhelmed, and confused. I need a hug.

*edited to add: I have finally identified the author! Thank you, Dejah Roman for your POWERFUL words*

18/06/2021

💕
▪ ▪ ▪
Nonviolent parenting is about choosing relationships over rules: genuine, authentic, every day and every moment relationships.⁠
⁠
Nonviolent parenting is not about techniques to get children to cooperate, behave or listen. It's not about how to get kids to pick up, pay attention, or do their homework. It's not about how to get kids to do...anything.⁠
⁠
Does this mean kids are left to "rule homes and run amok"?⁠
⁠
No, Nonviolent means we focus on building loving, authentic, trusting relationships because it feels good, it builds resilience to life's difficulties, AND because the people we feel the most connected to are the people we most want to cooperate with in finding solutions that work for everyone.⁠
⁠
A Nonviolent parent knows...⁠
👉 All children want to do well.⁠
👉 Connected children want to cooperate; connected adults want to cooperate too.⁠
👉 Family equity ensures that parents and children cooperate in ways that benefit everyone's well-being.⁠
👉 Healing brings more joy to individuals and families.

18/06/2021

This is always a great question to reflect on as a parent, no matter what we're responding to.

Fear-motivated responses will always be light on well-considered perspectives and calm, rational choices and heavy on reactive, knee-jerk, habitual ideologies and behaviors.

"Over-parenting" is commonly an example of responding to fear.

Just today I read a very insightful article about how this generation of kids are possibly the most over-parented and under-protected in history.

This could be confusing statement.

We have to understand what happens in our brains when we are operating out of fear. Survival mechanisms are initiated. With the activation of the sympathetic nervous system and the limbic portion of the brain and brainstem (the subconscious), the upper cortex region, responsible for rational thought, perspective, and judgement goes offline.

Highly powerful and instinctual inclinations can drive us to do things that feel justified and responsible, actions that satiate our brains survival need to "care for" our kids no matter the cost. They are quite literally a product of our "protective", survival brains (regardless of whether the situation actually poses a danger or threat to anyone's survival). Feelings of stress, embarrassment, confusion, helplessness or overwhelm can all initiate this fear-type response.

But the problem, in our increasingly high-pressure, complex and exhausting world, is that there are countless situations where we may experience these feelings, even if there is no ACTUAL, significant or realistic threat. Our brains will tell us there is, but that is is it's protective duty.

As a result, we overparent. We overreach our role. We micromanage and restrict freedoms. We oversee it all.

We satiate our fear-brain.

And then in our exhaustion having done all of these things, we have no actual energy or time left to provide the most essential protective elements a parent can actually provide a growing child.... strong attachment relationships, independence, emotional comfort, psychological engagement, a safe, steady space and clear, consistent boundaries.

Unfortunately well-intentioned (albeit subconsciously), over-parenting is often a response of protection against hypothetical dangers while often neglecting the very real dangers of emotional isolation, reliance on tech and peers for attachment and lack of the requisite failure and growth needed for independence and autonomy. When we are in our reactionary, survival brains, we may still have enough upper-brain action to BELIEVE that what we are doing is rational and justify it, but we will not be able to help ourselves.

So we can see how asking this question (𝐴𝑟𝑒 𝑚𝑦 𝑎𝑐𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑠 𝑚𝑜𝑡𝑖𝑣𝑎𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑏𝑦 𝑓𝑒𝑎𝑟?) becomes incredibly important. We have to check in with our own emotions, our own experiences, our own hesitancy and concerns.

Do we trust our children, do we trust their teachers, friends or others in our "village" ... and if not... why? Where is this distrust coming from? Is it coming from actual, bonafide dangers, or our own inner fear-narrative.

Every parent must ask this question for themselves, and nobody can answer it for you.

This is why doing the work of dismantling our own experience and narrative becomes invaluable.

It is the only way we can truly learn to lean into trust when trust is necessary and fear when fear is necessary, and to (most importantly) not confuse these two very different situations. 💜

(📷 )