08/03/2024
Matrescence, our path to parenthood, and The Mother Well…(part 2) ✨
Sure enough, there were 2 lines—I was pregnant. And here comes the hard part to share: I wasn’t excited. In fact, I was terrified. Parts of myself that I didn’t even realize were there flooded my system, and I was blended with pure panic.
No, no, no, no, no.
I called my husband and just hyperventilated into the phone.
It was like a part of me knew my life from that moment on would never be the same. The new plans we had made were no longer an option. The life that I knew for 38 years was over. I was flooded with a grief that felt suffocating and unforgiving. I wanted to turn back time and make different decisions.
I know it doesn’t make a lot of sense—we had tried for so long, so why wasn’t I excited?
I believe that there were parts of myself that I hadn’t tended to who didn’t want to become a mother. I hadn’t properly heard those parts out. I hadn’t let them have a voice and express to me what their fears were. So, when they were steamrolled and it happened anyway, they were terrified and dug their heels in deeper to the idea that becoming a mother was a bad idea. They made sure they would be heard.
The beginning of my pregnancy was so rough. I was so blended with my depressed and anxious parts that I was on the couch all day, unable to move but frantically panicking inside. I was so nauseous all the time, uncomfortable, and disconnected from my changing body. I felt like my life was over. I even contemplated making that a reality.
As my pregnancy progressed, I settled more into the idea of becoming a mother, though I didn’t really understand what that meant. I just knew it was on the way. I knew it meant that I would have a baby to take care of, to love, to guide, to keep safe. But what it would mean for me, as a woman, as a human, to step into an entirely new role that I had never done before—well, I just didn’t even know there was so much more I could be exploring within myself to help prepare me for this transformation, this period of matrescence.
Part 3 next
Photo from 11/1/2019-when I couldn’t get off the couch. And my first ultrasound. Little gummy bear Rowan. 🩵