10/19/2026
WHEN A KNOCK AT THE DOOR DOESN'T FEEL LIKE A FRIENDLY HELLO...
I've been thinking about something lately that I believe is worth talking about.
Trauma, boundaries, and the things we don't always understand about one another...
There was a time when I absolutely LOVED unexpected visitors!
Someone could pull into my driveway, knock on my door, and I'd happily drop whatever I was doing to welcome them.
I'd put on the kettle, find something to eat, pull up another chair, and make room for one more person.
For decades, that's simply been who I am. And in many ways, it still is...but life experiences can change how our nervous systems respond to things that once brought us joy.
For someone who has experienced repeated frightening or traumatic events, something as ordinary as a knock at the door can trigger an overwhelming physical response, such as a racing heart, shaking, anxiety, a sudden rush of fear...that familiar feeling of needing to prepare for danger before even knowing who's there.
It's not necessarily a conscious decision. It's not about disliking people and it's not about believing every stranger means harm.
Sometimes the body remembers what the mind would desperately love to leave behind.
And here's something else people may not understand:
Healing isn't always a straight line. Someone can spend years rebuilding their sense of safety, make tremendous progress, and then experience new difficulties that bring old reactions rushing back.
That doesn't mean they haven't worked hard to heal......it means they're human.
WHY AM I SHARING THIS?
Because I think we could all benefit from remembering that we don't know everything another person has experienced.
Someone who doesn't answer their door may not be unfriendly.
Someone who asks you to make an appointment may not be rejecting you. Someone who needs privacy, quiet, or advance notice may simply be protecting the peace they've worked very hard to find..........and that's okay.
I STILL LOVE PEOPLE
I still love welcoming visitors. I still love sharing tea, food, conversation, laughter, stories, and everything growing in our Magical Food Forest.
This past weekend was a beautiful reminder of just how wonderful human connection can be.
We welcomed people from so many different backgrounds and walks of life, and my heart was overflowing with gratitude.
There are also people in my life who are welcome to stop by almost anytime...and something I've noticed?
Those are often the very people who respect my time enough to reach out first. They understand that caring about someone includes respecting their space.
And they don't take it personally when that person needs a little quiet.
A PUBLIC BUSINESS IS NOT THE SAME THING AS AN OPEN HOUSE.
Our Herbal-Tique welcomes visitors during posted business hours, and by appointment.
But this property is also my home...my safe space.
It's where I work, rest, garden, care for animals, and try to find peace at the end of each day. And like everyone else, I'm allowed to have time when I'm simply unavailable to the public.
It doesn't mean I don't appreciate you. It doesn't mean I don't want visitors. It means I'm learning that I can love my community without being available every minute of every day.
A LITTLE KINDNESS GOES A LONG WAY
If someone doesn't answer the door, please don't assume they're ignoring you. If someone asks you to call or text before visiting, please respect that request. If someone seems startled, withdrawn, or uncomfortable, remember that you may know nothing about what they've lived through.
And if someone sets a boundary, please don't make them defend their entire life story just to have it respected.
You don't have to understand someone's trauma to respect their boundaries!
That's really the heart of what I wanted to share. I'm still the person who loves gathering people around a table, feeding them, serving them, etc.....AND I'm still the person who believes in community, compassion, hospitality, and helping others.
But I'm also a person who needs peace, privacy, and the freedom to decide when I'm available. And those things can exist together.
Kindness includes respecting the person who opens the door and respecting the person who chooses not to.
May we all offer each other a little more grace to one another...
You can judge, fear, assume or you can ask and learn........
There are more people with trauma than you probably know about. Maybe that someone is you. Maybe it's your neighbor...could even be your friend who just hasn't told you about it......cause maybe they wish they wer'et affected in this manner and are trying to heal it...
I sometimes am alarmed with loud knocks or unexpected rings.....and while I will still welcome you when I'm available, I find myself sometimes embarrassed of how I might be perceived.....
Did they notice me shaking? Did they notice I was nervous when opening the door? Did I appear unsettled.....did they notice the tears in my eyes????
Yeah......most likely.....but it's not YOU...it's ME.....and my nervous system...a relationship I cannot change at will.
Maybe one of these day that trauma response will lesson, and hopefully go away......and maybe not.
I know I've tried and done the best I can.....but I am still awkward in those situations. Safety matters.....and just because I mgiht actually BE safe....my nervous system might not FEEL safe in the moment and might need a moment to calm down.
That doesn't mean I'm not happy to see you....it just means that I have a routine....and I might have a nervous system tripping at the moment.
I am only human....as hopefully most of us are. :)
LOVE HEALS. SAFETY MATTERS and these feelings must be learned again after they might have been taken away......
Just like learning to walk again. It was awkward, embarassing, painful and challenging.
I didn't quit tryig to walk again......I just had to go at my pace.
Maybe you do too....and that's okay.
Anyone deserving to be in your life will understand and respect your pace.
