08/01/2026
We are always thinking of you, your always on our minds... We still talk about you and all the memories, all the funny things u did, that u said.. and wishing life with you wasn't cut so abruptly short.. They all said it would get easier bc I lost my mind and my heart that day...ever since I've been walking around a half person, I feel like part of my soul left with u to🥺 Most days are still very hard and a lot of times I wonder if I will ever be ok? I'm starting to wonder, I was strong for a very long time, you would of been proud of me, I was working all the time and doing all my schoolwork, taking care of our kitty babies and spending as much time NOT alone, I didn't sit down for 6 months after u left, by the end of the night my feet hurt so bad and I couldn't stand up straight bc my back was hurting so bad I would be in tears ...I went thru a stage where I was constantly rearranging my apartment, and I would get it all put together and then not even 25 hours later, I had the whole place moved in the middle of the floor and was moving everything again...i did this for that long and didn't even stop to think what I was doing .one day I looked at my daughter and said "honey, I literally haven't sat down in 6 months, and I just realized what I was doing and why...bc when I stopped moving, that was when I could think, and I didn't want to think, I didn't want to feel at all...it hurt to much...but now I'm just tired, my spirit is exhausted...i was forced to be to strong to many times after you were gone and I wasn't ready...i still haven't been able to completely grieve, the way I needed...Things were so hard without you, and I was so used to u by my side, I got a little lost...LOL My favorite thing, well one of them that makes me smile when I think of it, Krishna does to, is that I loved it when u told ur stories a million times to everyone, u would get all worked up about something and had all these thoughts about it, and u twisted and turned it and walked back and forth just trying to figure it out, and every person we saw u would go into it about what it was that u was ramping about at the time...I probably heard a lot of ur ramping sometimes 5 times a day ..bc whoever came over was going to hear it and let u go on about it, at the time sometimes u drove me crazy with it, but only a few times, most of the time I would sit back and watch u and silently smile to myself, bc I was always just as excited the 15th time u told it as the first, and most times I would pitch in with u...OMG, that made me just remember how we wouldn't see anyone for about 4 or 5 days, it was just us, which was great but when someone would come c us, MAN they would get bombarded by both of us at the same time, both of us talking all excited to them about something that happened or something one of us did, we always had stories and it's crazy bc all we did was stay home🥰 c we was alone for a minute and a human just walked thru the door, so much had happened!!! LOL remember Krishna and Kylie would get it the worst ,😂🤣they literally would be having anxiety attacks over it😂🤣 Start sh****ng down and questioning why they even stopped lol Krishna got used to it tho, she loved hearing us like that bc we was so happy, so happy...i mean we had our moments but not really, we was honestly happy lol I still do that to people, it's just not the same as when we both did it, and now I'm just annoying bc it's just me talking and it's not as funny... Krishna still smiles real big about when u used to do that, and it was always like it was the first time u told it, but my favorite one of all was when you got so proud and told people how "we was together 24/7, never apart, never in different rooms, glued to each other, you would get this look on your face and smile and tell them that it was amazing because we was like that and never fought, only valery rarely...u was so proud of that ..I was only going to post a few words to u but now I have a whole YouTube long story lol...i miss u today really bad and am having a hard time with it, so I needed to talk to u, I think it helps to write it down instead of walking around my apartment talking to you like I'm crazy, well I think I may be a little of that, but who isn't? We're all crazy in our own ways..(some more than others lol) u are my best friend, I miss u so much...i still have 20 shrines all over my place of u, with one big, central shrine of u, and I always say I'm going to make just one, but then I just end up moving you around, and making more shrines of you than before, maybe it's because I'm so used to u being rt there all the time...i can't turn my head rt now without seeing ur face...I spent about 4 months recharging batteries, about 15 of them a day for candles that I had in all ur shrines...the only thing is ur really not here, it's just a picture, and the memories that went with them..u don't talk to me anymore, I don't hear your voice...now I'm stuck being the crazy cat lady by myself, it doesn't look as good on me as it did u🤔 And it's not as fun staying home by myself without u, and nothing really happens anymore, so I don't really bombard people when they come over like we used to, it's like I kept that going and now it's like it is gone to, I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know which way to go in life, that's the hardest part, the future??? If I think ahead, it's a horrible feeling for some reason, it's not exciting or curious as to what will be, I just don't really see anything anymore, I just feel lost and broken without u...i have my school and I'm working on some things that I'm excited to do, but it's not the same bc I don't have u here or anyone for that matter to share everything with...i see everyone and they all have lives and someone to go home to, that I think is really a struggle to me, bc everyone has someone, they go home and walk thru their door and there is their people...i used to love being at home, but when I come home and walk through my door, it's empty...just me...i used to love being alone sometimes but now it just hurts...li wonder all the time where u went, where do we go when we die? Are u where u can look down on me? Are u rt here with me now? If u are it's the cruelest thing to feel u so much but never to touch or to talk...i do feel u sometimes and I know u have been around bc of certain things, u do it to Krishna and the babies to, not as much as u used to, so I really know u are here with me...bc I feel u all the time..and sometimes when I talk out loud to u it's not weird, bc I know u heard me...I really am sure ur not looking out for me though bc I've been struggling since you have been gone lol...i know u joked and said u was going to haunt me, but do u think u could possibly send me some light sometimes? If u can, it's hard being alone all the time when I'm used to being with u all the time...its horrible, all I do is cry and then most days I try extra hard to pretend I'm ok so no one knows what I'm really going thru..i don't want them to worry, or feel any way about it...i lost my best friend, the other part of me, my other half, my husband...8 days before our wedding, 4 days before you was to get surgery to let u live longer...I had a funeral for u on our wedding day, with our wedding decorations, that was really hard on me, it really did something to me deep down..I am happy I got to see u in ur purple and black tuxedo, you was so excited to try it on, I can still see u, u put it on and went out and showed ur mom, then u went to Kayleys room and showed her and Chevy, U was excited..i had all our stuff packed for out honeymoon to the beach in South Carolina...that is one thing u wanted to do before u passed was sitting on a beach somewhere, u told so many people and I had booked us a trip and wanted to surprise you...i never got to😞...I broke down finally and made u a memorial book, I put all of u in it, all the cards u ever got me, all the lil notes, our marriage license that never got to be, but will always still be in my heart...but I called ur mom soon as I got ur book done, it was so good to hear her voice, I haven't seen anyone since u have been gone...or barley talked to anyone, it hurts that it's like that, but it was nice to have a actual voice to some of my memories of u...What do people expect tho really after that? I'm not sure if I'm able to move on or if I'm always going to be alone now? That is something I struggle with, am I even supposed to move on? I don't know that I can, I don't see it in the near future anyway..what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to be? All I know is that my go-to and my defense and way that I cope is to make myself so busy that I dont sit down and walk around and act like everything is rainbows and butterflies, smile at everyone, act like I'm ok when really I'm not and do that for a few weeks, then I hide in u again and get lost in my sadness for a few days...then it's back to being happy, smiles, talks to much and supper busy, and looking like I'm ok in life... that seems to be the loop I'm stuck in rt now ...I have a caving hurtful feeling in my chest that is always there now, it must be where u was when u was here, it hurts so bad sometimes I can't breathe ...we were just getting started in our life🥺 There was so much I wanted to show you and share with you...I love you so much forever... I really needed to talk to u today obviously...
