05/22/2024
Eight years ago I met my very best buddy.
I don't know how eloquent or organized this will be because I've got some different thoughts swirling around my head...
I'm remembering her incessant newborn hiccups while holding her in the hospital bed. Brand new shiny little brown eyes peering from under the giant bow on her pink hospital cap.
When other things in my life get difficult, the pain of missing Daniya throbs. Imagine getting cold at night, but blankets don't exist anymore. It's something like that, I guess.
I purposely don't use the phrase "she would be [8] today". I want to be clear that I'm not commenting on anyone else's use of that phrasing. To each his/her own. Even when friends and family say it about Daniya, it doesn't bother me because I appreciate that they recognize the passing of time, and that is very important and meaningful with grief. But as for saying it myself, it just never felt quite right to me. My feelings may change, but this is how I feel right now:
Daniya was meant to be in my life for 5 years. No more, and no less. There was never going to be a 6, 7, or 8. To me, "Daniya" and "8" don't compute. She turned 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. Beyond that, it's not Daniya. Not in this world anyway.
Those subsequent years are not in deficit because the 5 were a beautiful gift and honor that was given to me. Maybe I don't feel right saying she "would be" 8 because it makes me feel like I'm overlooking or downplaying just how beautiful the 5 years were. It's like.... If someone gives me the most beautiful, special gift, it doesn't feel right saying what else that gift could have been. Besides, the Dani that lives in my heart and mind is always going to be 5, not more than that.
🌈Happy Birthday Dani. The first thing I want when I see you again iA is one of your super amazing, logic-defying, tiny-yet-larger-than-life hugs💓.