10/01/2026
In my work in classrooms, I have been known to ask if there is a popular group. I ask this to help not only gauge the social hierarchy and structure but to help bring awareness to the entire classroom.
To answer this question, inevitably, there are the kids who nod their heads with an affirming yes. These kids usually aren’t in it.
The other group will generally have a spokesperson who declares that their class doesn’t really have a popular group. They’ll tell me there are groups but no one is really popular and everyone is friends. Then they’ll look at their group of friends and another student or two will back her up in this declaration saying “Anyone can come up to “us.”
The use of “us” is key and where the problem lies.
While other kids technically can come and sit with “us,” most kids don’t feel comfortable to do so. Because it doesn’t mean they’re going to get talked to. It doesn’t mean they’re going to be included. And it most definitely doesn’t mean they’re going to belong.
And the energy of the “friends with everyone group” is filled with a “don’t even think of coming over here” feel. It’s high risk to head to that group.
In fact, more often just the opposite happens if you head to that group. Yes, someone might say hi but then they get ignored, they get an eye roll, and later on they might even try to be ditched. And in a bold-faced and confident move, the queen bee may let them know they don’t want them sitting there.
The irony is that the “friends with everybody group” really believes they are inclusive. This is where I love to teach and challenge what inclusivity looks like. This is where I like to develop empathy.
But most importantly, I love to teach those kids who are on the outs of popularity that the real goldmine is hanging out with people who help you feel good about who you are.
And, I love to let the kids who are running the social scene know that it benefits them to be truly kind to everyone. Why? Because eventually, in every one of these groups, there is a shift. Friend groups change, interests shift, and you may be someone who was at the top and now swimming at the bottom with several kids above you on the social ladder.
One misstep. One decision from someone thinking you aren’t cool and sharing it with the group. It all can come crumbling down.
I wish I could hammer these lessons home, and I try to in my parent video recaps. But the truth is, sometimes these lessons start at home, and they’ve been going on for generations.
Parents are often front and center of this issue but fade to the background as their children take the reins.
Early on, parents are orchestrating the playdates and activities. Deciding who to invite, how many kids can participate, and what activities the group will engage in. The ballet girls. The group costumes. The Tae Kwon Do kids. And sure, for some of these situations, others can participate too. You can sign your kid up for ballet. You can sign your kid up for Tae Kwon Do. But that’s different than being orchestrated with. That’s different than another parent saying, “Hey, does your girl want to join the group?”
In fact, let’s tie these scenarios together. The parent who says, “you can sign up your kid too” may be the parent of the very girl who says anyone can come up to “us.”
So I offer this writing to you as an opportunity to take an honest look at how you are nurturing inclusivity in your parenting. I also encourage you to ask your daughter, “Is there a popular group?” Depending on her age of development, she might say no or not even know what you are talking about yet.
But kids as early as 3rd and 4th grade see the social hierarchy unfolding and know it. And more often than not, by 5th/6th grade, the social ladder is established.
The biggest takeaway, though, no matter where kids fall in popularity, is to help your kid hang out with peers who help them feel TRULY good about who they are.
Here’s to growing Wise Girls, Youth, and Parents!
❤️ Sierra
PS. We are still in open for enrollment for 9th graders in our Girls In-Service program. See below for our offering and reach out to me at [email protected]
PSS. Our Sebastopol location has a waitlist open. Once we get enough interest, we’ll kick off this amazing workshop series. See below!
